As a single woman working with large volumes of vulnerable men, I keep my dating life and my work life very separate. However as a Sex & Relationship Coach there is also something that I feel needs addressing that could make some positive changes for all.
I’ve made a number of new online connections this past month. Many of the men connecting with me have asked the same question that I’ve also heard in the past. “Why aren’t there more women like you?” or “What is with all the man hating women?” These are men I meet in the dating world.
These are all men who do NOT move in the men’s rights arena, almost all have never heard about it. Some I have met for a date, some I have just remained online friends with because I am acutely aware that they have very few women that they can speak honestly with and so I like to remain connected.
These are regular every day men who are just trying to meet a new partner, go on a date, or in some cases get laid without fuss and bother of a relationship. Often many failed relationships have left them looking for more casual sex than the woman of their dreams, which seemingly to them no longer exists.
It’s always seemed interesting to me that for all the misogyny cries of feminists, that these men don’t hate on me, speak down to me, or denigrate me in anyway. They enjoy talking to me and they find a great deal of comfort and sense of normality straight away as they immediately sense there is no judgment.
Now, I’m not about to say they are all ‘decent’ guys. Some hit me straight up for ‘nudes’ or whatever, but I simply don’t reply to those or if I do it’s to call them out on their manners. But if these men were truly misogynistic, surely they would throw hate back at me, and yet they never do. In fact if they have been usually they apologise and respectfully move on.
Lesson 1 ~ When you speak to men with integrity, they will speak back to you with the same.
This lesson also applies in relationships where some women seem to have little or no respect for their partners differing point of view. If only women would shut up and listen instead of believing that their way is the only way. Men want to be valued every bit as much as women and they want to feel heard, and be appreciated for who they are what they bring to the table, not just what women want them to be.
We seem to have no respect left for individuality and I believe this is at the core of many of our relationship problems. The fight for equality has seen the rise of women who feel the need to dominate over men. That’s not equal rights it’s a superiority issue and it comes with a sense of entitlement that women need to lose.
In their previous long-term relationships many men have told me that they have simply grown tired of not being able to meet a woman’s expectations. They never seem good enough and this is crushing men’s sense of self worth. The men that I talk to love the fact that I don’t put them down for their thoughts or sentiments which they express to me. They tell me that women are often very quick to try to correct them. Now, I don’t have to agree with them but it’s not my place to judge them over what they believe or think or how they see the world. If they are not right for me then I move on.
Women say men don’t talk or they should express themselves more. I say women should shut up and listen to what they are saying and have some respect for it when they do. Men talk to me constantly and they share with me their deepest concerns in life. If they aren’t talking to you, it’s because you aren’t listening for the right things.
Lesson No. 2 ~ Stop judging men and start accepting that you are different to this particular man. It really is that simple.
When I’m chatting to a guy and he doesn’t meet my desires for someone I want to date I simply and politely let him know that we won’t be meeting. This is always appreciated because I don’t feel the need to denigrate him in this process. In a paradox of my message here this also makes it hard for me because so often they come back to me and say: “I wish there were more women like you”. I wish there was too. There is nothing special about me other than my respect for men and I have to wonder why that is such a foreign concept.
I am a lover of the male ego in the true sense of the word. A man who is stronger than me physically is a big drawcard for me even though I’m a reasonably strong woman both emotionally and physically. Like all of us, I have certain criteria that an ideal date would meet but I’m in no way rigid on that. A level of connection is more important than a look.
Today I am going on a date with a man who in no way meets my physical desires but on a mental and emotional level, he is to die for. That is more than enough for me to want to go and enjoy his company and pay him the respect that he has paid me in asking me out. I have no expectations, nor limitations of what this date will include – and I can’t wait!
Lesson No. 3 ~ Start giving more pleasure for the sake of how it makes you feel.
Another lost art of womanhood is graciousness and this applies to both sexuality and turning up as a woman in a relationship. The ability to please someone is within all of us, but we have become so damn selfish that the prevailing ‘all about me’ attitude is ruining relationships.
In sex there is an art in anyone who will give pleasure purely for the enjoyment of giving rather than the result of orgasm. Perhaps even worse is giving only so you can receive the same by return. Give for giving’s sake because it makes you a great lover.
I find that pleasing a man can be as simple as being gracious in his presence. I appreciate and respect any man’s attempt (successful or not) at pleasing me. It’s a wonderful thing to think that someone is so willing to give freely of himself to me. Somehow though we have messed that up with a sense of feeling that we are then indebted and yet this isn’t an entitlement either. If you each turn up and do your part you will see the gift.
Give for the sake of giving not receiving because if you receive graciously you have given more than he will ever being able to tell you. You will have met him in his deepest desire of a man of pleasing you either sexually or emotionally.
When I speak to women who are online dating they speak very negatively of their experiences. I often hear “he’s not enough of this or that”, or he hits you up for pics or he’s not tall enough, wealthy enough, or you’re wondering why he’s single if he’s such a great guy. Men experience all of these things too, but I find they are more willing to give it a try and be open-minded. You see, most men don’t look for perfection, they look for a woman who is real, honest, and who cares about them for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
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Image Credit: Flickr Alan Cleaver