Nice Guys and Good Men ~ Why we should all know the difference

Written by Jasmin
Women often make statements such as “Where are all the nice guys” or Where are all the good men”.  Sean Best and Jasmin Newman discussed this and the fundamental difference between the two in our recent hangout.
Nice guys and Good Men come in all political stripes, colors, religious backgrounds and nationalities. Nice guys can be Alpha males. Good men can be Beta males and vice versa. Neither of those is inherently right or wrong; They just are.
You can watch the hangout here with the points made below.

Nice guys are:

  • Kind, considerate, thoughtful, forgiving, reliable, and giving
  • Tolerant, flexible, will defer to the opinions of others to keep the peace
  • Will bow to the will of others to avoid being perceived as the source of drama
  • When attacked (verbally or physically), offended or disrespected, he opts to ‘let it slide’ because “she’s a good person at heart! She’s just having a bad day”
  • Goes out of his way to appear to be non-threatening, including agreeing with near anything she says, whether he truly believes it or not.
    Laughs at all of her jokes and showers her with compliments in abundance.
  • Would rather wait for her to ‘initiate’ anything physical, including a friendly hug, rather than ‘force himself onto her’.

His Paradigm essentially is :

  • Women are delicate creatures; a princess to be cared for and adored at all times, and need to be protected.  Her safety is more important than his own safety.
  • Their needs are more important than his needs. Their desires outrank his desires. Their pain is worse than his pain. He never burdens her with his problems.
  • She is always right. He prefers NOT to hold her accountable to her own behaviors.
  • If she says or does something wrong, he will gladly take the blame for it, to protect her. Even if it costs him his freedom.
  • If he can keep up this facade long enough, she will one day see that he is that nice guy that women say they want, and then she will allow him to touch her. Maybe even have sex with her. He will NEVER admit that. He will vehemently deny it.
  • He will hang around for a very long time (sometime for years) waiting and hoping for her to see what a nice guy he is, compared to all of the douchebags she dates.

What he really wants

  • To be more than just friends. To be in a relationship with her.
  • To be seen as the perfect guy.
  • Her to have an epiphany where she realizes that the nice guy she’s been looking for, has been in front of her all this time
  • Sex (though he would be too embarrassed to admit it because it somehow feels wrong)

What women really think about Nice Guys

  • He makes a great friend. Someone she can talk to about her trysts, and failed relationships
  • He’s always an ear to listen to her troubles. A shoulder to cry on.
  • He’s like the brother or guy friend she never had.
  • He listens without judging. She trusts him never to make a move on her. It would be awkward.

Good Men Are:

  • Kind, considerate, thoughtful, forgiving, reliable, and giving BUT expects the same in return.
  • Has a very defined set of values / a moral center. He lives his life within his value system.
  • He is comfortable in his own skin. He does not need to be validated by a woman or anyone else
  • He is honest and truthful. Even when he knows that it might not be what you want to hear.
  • He genuinely cares about the people in his sphere of influence, and will help them, provided they are not abusing his goodwill.
  • His brand of chivalry must be earned, and is reserved for the woman he cares about
  • Will agree with or challenge her based on his core values. He isn’t threatened by having his opinions challenged, and doesn’t require you to agree or share his opinion on everything.
  • Means what he says, and says what he means. Only makes promises that he can keep.
  • He is respectful BUT expects respect in return. For him, respect is more important than love.
  • He treats her like an adult. He will hold her accountable to her words & actions, and will accept the same in return.
  • He’s NOT interested in the drama that comes from being in a relationship with a woman who needs to be adored and placed on a pedestal
  • Will NOT tolerate a woman who consistently and deliberately crosses his values based boundaries.

His Paradigm is:

  • He is the architect of my own happiness. He doesn’t seek it from others.
  • Women, like Men, are adults and will be treated as such.
  • Expects the same level of commitment & respect from her, as she does from him.
  • If he wants a romantic relationship with you, he will tell you in no uncertain terms. There will be no Grey area.
  • Like you, he won’t tolerate lying and deceit, no matter how pretty or hot you are.
  • Your looks alone are not enough to impress him. He views your character as important, as your looks. Perhaps even moreso.
  • Knows when to be a gentleman, when to be firm, when to forgive, and when to unleash the ‘bad boy’ from his cage

What he really wants

  • What he wants will not be vague or mysterious. He will state it.
  • A grown woman who can act and be treated like an adult. Capable of having deep conversations and challenging each other’s perspectives.
  • Someone who he can learn from and who is equally eager to learn from him
  • Someone he respects. A woman who is comfortable in the strength of her femininity. She is not threatened by or competing with his masculinity
  • Someone he knows he can depend on. A woman who’s got his back.

What women really think about Good Men

  • There aren’t any,
  • They’re all married or gay
  • They’re confident not arrogant
  • There is something about him that she doesn’t fully understand. What drives him is mysterious and it piques her curiosity
  • He will challenge her. He will NOT allow her to walk all over him.
  • He is respectful but doesn’t put her on a pedestal. Getting his attention is a challenge for her
  • He has his choice of women because guys like him are scarce, but he doesn’t flaunt it.
  • She thinks that he wouldn’t be interested in her
The Difference :
Good Men have a value system with boundaries that aren’t negotiable. They are what make him attractive. He lives within his values whether there is a woman in his life or not.
If she can accept his values, and resist the urge to try to challenge them, he will allow her to remain in his sphere of influence. The woman in his life feels like a woman.
Nice Guys may have a value system but their boundaries are soft and easily negotiable, if they exist at all. He will opt to avoid anything that would give a woman pause to reconsider having him in her presence. He will quickly give up on setting any boundaries, in favor of pleasing her. The woman in his life either feels like a friend or an adolescent.

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About the author

Jasmin

Jasmin is a specialist men’s coach who supports men in all aspects of relationships, but specifically those who are going through high conflict separation and divorce. She is also a dedicate advocate for services for men and their children who have been victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Jasmin helps men who are struggling and feeling lost and alone, to move to a place of acceptance and confidence so they can move ahead and live a life consistent with their values and beliefs. She believes strongly in the power of overcoming past hurts through empathy and compassion.

She is a mother of two, author, presenter and coach. She lives in the idyllic coastal town of Merimbula, NSW, Australia.

*All written material on Relating To Men is subject to copyright to the author.