Why People Cheat

Short of “Irreconcilable Differences” – Infidelity is well attributed as one of the leading causes of divorce.

But is it?

What makes someone cheat?

In a survey I conducted while researching my book, Relating to Men, the main fear that men held was losing their partner.  The overpowering need to not lose their right to protect, covert and keep close those that they love the most, was highest on the list of fears.

And yet, guys cheat.

For women, they fear losing connectivity to their partner.  Not being heard, not being valued, not having their needs met. And yet, they are the ones (usually) who give up on sex first.

And  yet, women cheat.

We know that men separate love and sex.  To women, they are one in the same.

Most women do not want to have sex if they are not feeling the deeper level of love and intimacy. Men on the other hand need to actually experience sex and orgasm before they generate the higher levels of oxytocin (feeling of love) that she wants to feel and experience through connectivity.

Mother Nature did an odd one there.

So what makes us cheat? Even though the fundamentals for the brain are the same (free from fear and connection), each gender has different motives and drivers for each.


When Sex & Intimacy Stops

For Him 

This often, (or eventually) drives him to stray. He needs sex – he is driven by hormonal desire to have sex and he starts to look elsewhere. Porn, Strip Clubs, The girl in the office.  He fantasises and eventually may start to live out those fantasies.

For Her

If she stops having sex because she’s not feeling loved or valued, she goes (maybe subconsciously) looking for the other level of connection.  The man who makes eye contact with her, who flatters her without any apparent motive, the man who flirts with her and appeals to her feminine desires of being acknowledged and noticed.

The irony though, is that the man who’s attention she is grabbing is most likely the husband  another woman who has stopped having sex with him.

When Connection Is Lost

For Him

Connection to you guys is different to women.  A look, A glance, a sneak peak at her legs or breasts – it’s enough. This is not to say you are shallow. You are far from that.  But it’s what drives you if you are visually stimulated.  Connection to you is also that your loved ones are safe, happy and protected, but also and very importantly that you are appreciated and shown love …often wanted, but not always needed, through sex.  Your level of self worth drops as a bi product when you can’t ‘be’ all of those things.

For Her

The limited levels of self worth in women often drive them to start to feel lonely and fearful when her needs are not being met.  She starts to let stories take over what’s going on in reality and the lines get blurred.  She may get cranky, not feel valued or loved and she’s certainly not going to give you want you want (sex) because her fear control is running away with her mind.


At the end of the day – you want the same thing. 

What are you doing to get it?




About the author


Jasmin is a specialist men’s coach who supports men in all aspects of relationships, but specifically those who are going through high conflict separation and divorce. She is also a dedicate advocate for services for men and their children who have been victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Jasmin helps men who are struggling and feeling lost and alone, to move to a place of acceptance and confidence so they can move ahead and live a life consistent with their values and beliefs. She believes strongly in the power of overcoming past hurts through empathy and compassion.

She is a mother of two, author, presenter and coach. She lives in the idyllic coastal town of Merimbula, NSW, Australia.

*All written material on Relating To Men is subject to copyright to the author.

  • Interesting take on things. I haven’t really experienced cheating from either party in any of my relationships – we had an agreement – if you want to shag someone else, call me first and break up – common courtesy! Luckily it never came to that!

    • Sounds like a sound plan to me Serena. 🙂

  • In all instances mentioned in this blog, the one thing that underpins everything is a lack of communication, if you can’t talk to your partner about how you feel, you will find someone who is interested, lucky to always be able to talk to my better half and it is the foundation of 27 very happy years

    • Thanks Mike – I see communication as connection. When you have connection, communication follows. It’s a complex thing for women to expect men to communicate about matters of the heart, when we tell them right from infancy that they need to ‘toughen up’ ‘harden up’ and not cry or show emotions. Then for some reason we expect them to be able to talk about how they feel when it’s been shameful to have felt anything other than ‘strong’.

  • Great insight and facts that can be shied away from. Thanks for addressing this important issue in your blog and what people can do and how needs can be met.

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