Short of “Irreconcilable Differences” – Infidelity is well attributed as one of the leading causes of divorce.
But is it?
What makes someone cheat?
In a survey I conducted while researching my book, Relating to Men, the main fear that men held was losing their partner. The overpowering need to not lose their right to protect, covert and keep close those that they love the most, was highest on the list of fears.
And yet, guys cheat.
For women, they fear losing connectivity to their partner. Not being heard, not being valued, not having their needs met. And yet, they are the ones (usually) who give up on sex first.
And yet, women cheat.
We know that men separate love and sex. To women, they are one in the same.
Most women do not want to have sex if they are not feeling the deeper level of love and intimacy. Men on the other hand need to actually experience sex and orgasm before they generate the higher levels of oxytocin (feeling of love) that she wants to feel and experience through connectivity.
Mother Nature did an odd one there.
So what makes us cheat? Even though the fundamentals for the brain are the same (free from fear and connection), each gender has different motives and drivers for each.
When Sex & Intimacy Stops
This often, (or eventually) drives him to stray. He needs sex – he is driven by hormonal desire to have sex and he starts to look elsewhere. Porn, Strip Clubs, The girl in the office. He fantasises and eventually may start to live out those fantasies.
If she stops having sex because she’s not feeling loved or valued, she goes (maybe subconsciously) looking for the other level of connection. The man who makes eye contact with her, who flatters her without any apparent motive, the man who flirts with her and appeals to her feminine desires of being acknowledged and noticed.
The irony though, is that the man who’s attention she is grabbing is most likely the husband another woman who has stopped having sex with him.
When Connection Is Lost
Connection to you guys is different to women. A look, A glance, a sneak peak at her legs or breasts – it’s enough. This is not to say you are shallow. You are far from that. But it’s what drives you if you are visually stimulated. Connection to you is also that your loved ones are safe, happy and protected, but also and very importantly that you are appreciated and shown love …often wanted, but not always needed, through sex. Your level of self worth drops as a bi product when you can’t ‘be’ all of those things.
The limited levels of self worth in women often drive them to start to feel lonely and fearful when her needs are not being met. She starts to let stories take over what’s going on in reality and the lines get blurred. She may get cranky, not feel valued or loved and she’s certainly not going to give you want you want (sex) because her fear control is running away with her mind.
At the end of the day – you want the same thing.
What are you doing to get it?