Why I Won’t Tell My Son To Never Hit A Girl

Written by Jasmin

The Facebook page Destroy The Narrative was created in order to keep a log of violent acts committed by women. I did this because we needed data to be collated somewhere in order to raise awareness of the high number of incidents of female violence that women’s lobby groups say don’t exist.
It amazes me how women’s groups insist that violence is never the answer and yet they do this at the ignorance of the high number of cases where women and girls initiate violence.

I’m often sent videos of violent and bullying acts by girls and women and I’m sure you’ve seen many of them. This one in particular is a classic representation of what ‘never hit a girl’ looks like – until this poor boy snapped and belted her.
Watch the 30 second clip below.

These cases highlight many problems we have in the current school system of ‘boys respecting girls’ but yet girls  are not taught to have respect for themselves or others in the same manner.

Australia has adopted inherently flawed policies in schools to end violence against women, only. What are we teaching young girls about their own behaviour? And more so, what damage are we doing to boys who are told they can not defend themselves regardless of the circumstances they may find themselves in?

Violence is not the problem, it’s the behaviour that leads to violence that we should be concerned about

I fear greatly for these boys and the type of men they will become. Confused, feeling shame and guilt for their innate masculinity; disempowered to become victims of women who will later deny their pain due to their ‘male privilege’ and then tell them to man up and stop being weak.

Despite many hours of deep thought on this issue I can’t reconcile the inconsistencies of teaching boys that violence is never the answer, but anything a girl can do is just fine.

Women are asking ‘how do we end male violence towards women?’  Maybe they are asking the question wrong.

Violence is not the problem, it’s the behaviour that leads to violence that we should be concerned about.

As feminists go into meltdown that I just victim blamed, think of this: At the very root of societies problems is the vast number of people who have the inability to accept responsibility for their actions.  Criminals the world over a prosecuted on this, and yet it is only when we refer to violence against women that society accepts projection of their culpability.

If caught drink driving or running a red light or driving over the limit, you are held responsible for your actions.  You don’t get to blame your friend for inviting you out to the club.

If caught steeling, embezzling, or defrauding someone, you are held responsible for your actions. Again, you don’t get to blame how you became greedy or feel entitled to what is not yours.

But if you’re caught bullying or harassing a man and he argues back with equal fire, he is somehow held responsible. If you’re caught threatening a man physically and that man defends himself by pushing, shoving or even hitting the knife out of her hand – he is the one who arrested.

I genuinely don’t understand how women can believe that they have no responsibility here.

I know many police officers around the country. Often I have heard them say that when they go to a bar fight or a brawl they will ask ‘who threw the first punch’. This helps them determine how the whole thing started and most likely who started it is the one who has committed the crime.

Why then when women initiate violence are they not held responsible for their actions?

While I won’t be teaching my son to never hit a girl, I will be teaching him many other valuable life lessons on resilience and knowing his own self worth. I will teach him to have enough self respect that he can understand the difference of those who are worthy of his attention and those he will be better to avoid.

I will teach him that violence is not gendered and although it’s highly unlikely that he will ever be a victim of actual (real) violence, that he is just as likely to be a victim of any form abuse, harassment and violence from a girl as he is a boy.  And he will know inherently, that violence is not OK.

Most people aren’t violent, but the thing we are missing is understanding what those who are violent have learned, who they learned it from, or why they adopted the behaviour.

We are all worthy of protection

Photo credit: Flickr



About the author


Jasmin is a specialist men’s coach who supports men in all aspects of relationships, but specifically those who are going through high conflict separation and divorce. She is also a dedicate advocate for services for men and their children who have been victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Jasmin helps men who are struggling and feeling lost and alone, to move to a place of acceptance and confidence so they can move ahead and live a life consistent with their values and beliefs. She believes strongly in the power of overcoming past hurts through empathy and compassion.

She is a mother of two, author, presenter and coach. She lives in the idyllic coastal town of Merimbula, NSW, Australia.

*All written material on Relating To Men is subject to copyright to the author.