The value in knowing your self worth is immeasurable.
Your relationship is over and it’s all said and done. There have been lots of harsh words and bitter lesson’s learned. You’re angry, confused and quite frankly, you don’t care if you never meet another woman again.
Except for that little voice in your head that says ‘what if I end up alone?’
The reality is for most of us, no matter how much damage has occurred, we still long to be joined with someone. We want someone to share our stories, our interests and experiences and to become a part of our life. That someone who is special who will care for us and nurture us, and hopefully this time, grow old with us.
Except for that little voice that says ‘Danger; Beware!’
It’s the paradox of love and fear. We want love, but with it, automatically arrives the counterbalance of fear. These two emotions are intrinsically linked.
Throughout the deterioration of your past relationship, your self worth has taken a significant hit. You are left unsure of yourself and what it means to be a man. You tried your hardest to please her at the same time as trying to hold your ground and assert yourself, but you faltered, one way or the other. It just didn’t work and nothing you did seemed to be right.
You have questioned yourself but you can’t find the answers. None of it seems to fit with what your ideals of being a man are, but now you don’t even know what that is. There are more questions than answers and so you retreat into yourself.
But you get lonely. You miss the affection and tenderness of a woman and apprehensively decide to date again.
You are perfectly clear on what you don’t want in a relationship. Your ‘ex’ made sure of that, but you see it everywhere you go. You’ve been on dates, and alarm bells start ringing very early on. In some cases, you may have even decided to take it a step further, but she’s not really your type for a long-term thing. You can’t bare the thought of that attachment going wrong again. Your BS radar is going ballistic at every turn.
But you got exactly what you asked for. You really did, and here is a totally unscientific explanation for what’s going on.
When we focus all of our attention and energy into what we don’t want, it’s exactly what we get back. We are looking for faults, so we find them. We attract the negative energy we are putting out, like it’s a heat-seeking missile. This isn’t so much a mindset thing – it’s a matter of what your mind focusing on which in this case, is all the negative.
So stop asking for the wrong stuff. Simple!
A few months ago I joined a dating site and discovered the most delicious sounding man I could ask for. His profile read like a novel of the who’s who of my deepest desires and fantasies. My heart started beating that little bit faster as I read paragraph after paragraph of my ‘perfect’ date.
He was exactly the type of man I was looking for
- Emotionally connected
- Sexual interests matched
- Well traveled
- No evident baggage
His ability to tell his own story showed that he had done some internal yards. He knew what type of person he was, what his best features were, but was honest about things that might not be every gals cup of tea. He showed a rawness and depth of character that is an instant turn on to a deep thinking woman.
However the thing that drew me deeper in to his story was exactly how crystal clear he was on who he was looking for and he knew what he was worthy of. His expertly written Selection Criteria was non negotiable. He pulled no punches, but he was very human in his approach (even more of a turn on) and it told a wonderful unfolding story of his ideal relationship. His list of dreams and desires for were clear and specific, there was no room for compromise, and he wanted that girl.
This wasn’t a superficial list either. He didn’t care about looks or size, but he had a certain style. He didn’t care about her wealth, but he had a requirement for independence. He cared deeply about sexuality and he made that heart racingly specific.
If he sticks to his criteria, this guy will find that girl; the one that he feels worthy of.
Knowing the value of your self worth is immeasurable. Knowing that you can ask for exactly what you want, so that you get what you need, will mean that you find the girl that is right for you.
I encourage you to ask the harder, deeper questions, about what kind of person you are. Knowing exactly who you are and what motivates and inspires you (and I mean really inspires you) will see you get a much clearer story of yourself. When you accept yourself, you will know that you are worthy of what you really desire.
It doesn’t have to be hit and miss, it doesn’t have to be a game of chance, and you don’t have to settle for less.
Ask for more and you will get more.
So even if you’re not on a dating site, even if you’re just hoping to meet someone at a party, or bar – be really clear in both whom you are looking for and in telling the story of yourself.
Success in new relationships only comes about through being true to your values. You’re done with not being authentic or not receiving authenticity in return. You’re done with having to compromise and feel less than you are deserving of.
Focus your energy on the positive and ask for it. Put it out there in the world. You are worthy of love, connection and belonging.
You’ve just got to ask for the right things.
First published on Good Men Project