When It’s Her Stuff


Sssh, don’t tell her – the problem’s not all you.

I know, who knew?

I’m so inspired by how many men show up with such courage to talk about the issues in their relationship.  It’s not an easy thing for guys, but It’s always done with so much love and integrity from them.

I’m in a rather privileged position, to hear both the stories of men and women.  Most women aren’t as receptive to hearing men’s stories, at least – not without judgment or defensiveness attached….and therein lays the problem.

I was having a Conversation With Adam about how women show up in the world.  Even the most seemingly ‘together’ women are all carrying a world of baggage that limits their belief systems about themselves, which can be incredibly damaging.

My bum is too big, I’m getting old, I have cellulite, My stomach is fat…

And yet, all YOU see is the beauty that is her.  But she can’t see it for herself.

Women  judge themselves by comparison to others and wherever this started, it needs to stop. They don’t look to see the beauty shining from within them. The beauty that you see, and the beauty, that pretty much every one else sees.

I will say, I had to learn this lesson myself ….and I was told “Jas, others don’t see you, the way you see yourself”. Ooomph. And he was right.  Others saw a light in me.  My light – one that shines from within.  When I accepted that, my world changed.

For every one of us, how we define ourselves is how we will show up in the world. It doesn’t matter what we look like on the exterior. If we show up as defining ourselves as being based on our looks, or what we think about our selves (I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m lazy) we will never present our true self.

And THIS leads to living a life based around fears and judgments. That others will judge us and that we are bound to be fearful of the pain that brings.

So, what does this mean for you guys?

Well – so often a lot of what’s not happening in the bedroom is based around her fears of how she looks.  A lot of her defensiveness to you in every day life is based around judgment that she falls victim to, by her own hand.  The way she thinks things should be.

This leads to disconnect between the two of you.  And so often – you take this onboard as stuff YOU need to fix (’cause you’re a fixer, right?).

You need to be more, do more, get more, be more attentive, try harder, feel more, explain yourself…..

I’m here to tell you – You’re not responsible for this.  Women need to own up to their part in the relationship, and that all starts from within.

I’m not saying that anyone is faultless – we all have some stuff…but I know that so much of the pain and frustrations in guys that I am privvy to, is things that women need to fix first, before the relationship can be progressed.

So stop, Be still, Do less, Do nothing. Be with yourself, Leave your thoughts, Listen to your heart. Don’t try to be. Just be less, Be loved, Breathe, Be you.











About the author


Jasmin is a specialist men’s coach who supports men in all aspects of relationships, but specifically those who are going through high conflict separation and divorce. She is also a dedicate advocate for services for men and their children who have been victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Jasmin helps men who are struggling and feeling lost and alone, to move to a place of acceptance and confidence so they can move ahead and live a life consistent with their values and beliefs. She believes strongly in the power of overcoming past hurts through empathy and compassion.

She is a mother of two, author, presenter and coach. She lives in the idyllic coastal town of Merimbula, NSW, Australia.

*All written material on Relating To Men is subject to copyright to the author.

  • Leanne

    Great points. Fear and judgement can easily sneak in if we aren’t careful and spill over everywhere.

  • Kat

    So true. Our relationships would run so much smoother if we all put more time into working on ourselves first instead of getting caught up in a culture of blaming the other person.